Big Talk

Do you hate small talk as well? All these pointless conversations on weather, health and your jobs can be painfully boring when they seem to repeat them selves again and again, just with new people each time. Sure there’s exceptions where the topics are actually deep, meaningful and inspiring. But too often that’s not the case.

I’ve been inspired by some of the numerous TED talks I’ve watched on Youtube. One of them was this one by Kalina Silverman:

The idea og Big Talk truly fascinates me and I wish it was more common. I’ve tried to apply this technique, these questions in my life and even though I still need a lot of practice I can already sense a positive difference.

Interested? You can read more here. To get started, you can ask yourself this question: “What matters to you and why?”

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Identity, purpose and confusion

I think too much most of the time. In my head I try to analyse a long line of unimportant or out of control events that do not need me trying to predict them. Several times I get told one thing, then another and end up trying to convince myself it was a third scenario. Everyone has opinions and beliefs which they, too often try to pull down over my head. It’s hard to know what to think and what to do in thus world and it seems the answer to what is “the right thing” has become some kind of jigsaw paradox that no one can solve even though most individuals claim they can. I don’t even though if this made sense at all, but these are the thoughts that go through my head right now.

For years I’ve searched and worked to know myself better. To recognize my patterns, acknowledge my strengths and admit my flaws. Maybe I got wiser, but I most likely just got more confused.

In my early teenage years my identity crisis started. Since then it’s been up and down, but never over. Suddenly I just felt like I needed and identity, a way to define who I was. My name was not enough, neither was my family or my hobbies. There had to be more to it. Like defying something as abstract as “soul” I didn’t find the answer. Still I haven’t found it. This might also be what you can call “purpose”. Despite all the inspirational talks, informative books and helpful people I have encountered I don’t seem to have a clue.

Recently I said to my place at university. I signed up for three years of more maths, books and exams. Everyone seems to congratulate me and make this big deal out of it. Personally I can’t really hype myself up about it and I’m just… scared I guess. Afraid of having made a wrong choice. Will I ever know though? Probably not. Even less do I know what “better” choice I could have made. Whoever claimed that I am perfect; you are wrong. No one is perfect and I am most likely further away from perfect than you think. The inspiring quote “be true to who you are” seems perfect except in doesn’t take in to consideration that I don’t even know “who I am” or my so-called “true self”.

Well that’s my words for now. Remember it’s alright to have doubts, to be afraid and to make mistakes… Just don’t let it take over. You are better than that!

Inspired by One-word prompt

Reach out now

1 year ago I saw a post on my overfilled facebook newsfeed. That post soon changed my life, at least for a year. In the document I read about becoming a volunteer on a scout centre in England and that’s what I did just a few weeks later. After a week of training came different kinds of maintenance and more training. I met inspiring, funny and kind people from all over the world. My English vocabulary constantly expanded, my communication and teamwork skills improved, my independence grew. Every day was a flow of experiences and a collection of memories. This was the perfect choice for me. I reached out and grabbed that opportunity I’ve been waiting for in months, after dreaming for years.

1 month ago I discovered a course on finding my purpose. It is difficult, but I believe it is needed for my dreams to come true. It demands a great mental effort, but it also gives you useful tools to make progress. It gave me the structure and the plan I needed, a step, by step guide. Now I have coaching available if I need it. At this point I’m a bit behind, but I know I will catch up when I’m ready. I reached out and bought the help I figured I needed, which is the important part.

1 week ago I got a lift to see a place I’ve been hoping to see for almost a year. Visiting the British national scout centres was on my to-do ever since I started the volunteering placement. The journey itself turned to be even more exiting and memorable than the destination. Life usually turns out that way. I reached out and asked for the favour I wanted so much.

1 day ago I stepped in through my parents door and surprised my family with my return from overseas. I’ve come back to my home country  to study on university. I reached out and applied in time to get an offer on this education I’ve been considering for a while.

1 hour ago I was watching “The Pursuit Of Happyness” with my brother. I reached out and convinced my brother to find it so we could watch it together.

onesheet

One-Word Prompt

Seriously?

I’m an easy victim I guess and often not getting sarcasm. People around me “take the p*ss” with everyone all the time, not just me. But I seem to struggle a lot more than the rest to understand. I don’t know when they are being serious and when it’s just a joke along with all the other countless jokes. Most the time I ask myself: “Is this serious or not?” Unfortunately I get it wrong quite frequently and become slightly offended form all the random things they say to me. That can be exhausting, demotivating and emotionally painful. Multiple times I’ve read that INFJs are almost insanely good at understand people, but then how come I don’t seem to get them at all?

Humour is a good thing and when people joke with you it’s usually a good sign in one way or another. I do appreciate humour and jokes, but only when I get it… and that’s the problem. When I misunderstand I tend to get offended and overreact, which people don’t like. I want to improve my “reading” and understanding of other people. Simply by continuous practise I’m improving, it just takes a long time and I am impatient to reach a level way higher than where I currently am. Advise on this is more than welcome.

Response to One-word prompt

Fighting For My Heart

In 2010 I wrote this poem and now I just feel like sharing it with you:

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Fighting For My Heart:

I gave my time, I gave my heart,
But knew that we would be apart.
I was so grateful, in the start.
But now I see. I wasn’t smart.

I know you did what we should
But I can’t do it right as good
I really did the best I could
But I didn’t knew what you would

I will be fine and you will see
But you just don’t believe in me
I can be grounded like a tree
But you can help, and set me free

I was told once, I was told twice,
But I don’t listen to your advice.
I know I’m not in paradise,
But you can give just a little slice.