I think too much most of the time. In my head I try to analyse a long line of unimportant or out of control events that do not need me trying to predict them. Several times I get told one thing, then another and end up trying to convince myself it was a third scenario. Everyone has opinions and beliefs which they, too often try to pull down over my head. It’s hard to know what to think and what to do in thus world and it seems the answer to what is “the right thing” has become some kind of jigsaw paradox that no one can solve even though most individuals claim they can. I don’t even though if this made sense at all, but these are the thoughts that go through my head right now.
For years I’ve searched and worked to know myself better. To recognize my patterns, acknowledge my strengths and admit my flaws. Maybe I got wiser, but I most likely just got more confused.
In my early teenage years my identity crisis started. Since then it’s been up and down, but never over. Suddenly I just felt like I needed and identity, a way to define who I was. My name was not enough, neither was my family or my hobbies. There had to be more to it. Like defying something as abstract as “soul” I didn’t find the answer. Still I haven’t found it. This might also be what you can call “purpose”. Despite all the inspirational talks, informative books and helpful people I have encountered I don’t seem to have a clue.
Recently I said to my place at university. I signed up for three years of more maths, books and exams. Everyone seems to congratulate me and make this big deal out of it. Personally I can’t really hype myself up about it and I’m just… scared I guess. Afraid of having made a wrong choice. Will I ever know though? Probably not. Even less do I know what “better” choice I could have made. Whoever claimed that I am perfect; you are wrong. No one is perfect and I am most likely further away from perfect than you think. The inspiring quote “be true to who you are” seems perfect except in doesn’t take in to consideration that I don’t even know “who I am” or my so-called “true self”.
Well that’s my words for now. Remember it’s alright to have doubts, to be afraid and to make mistakes… Just don’t let it take over. You are better than that!
Inspired by One-word prompt