If I have to be completely honest and describe with a single word what controls me everyday all the time it would be expectations. In my room I have a list of “15 things to give up to be happy”. One of them is “give up living life to other people’s expectations” and that can be quite a challenge. However others people’s expectations is not what has the tightest grip on me, it’s my own. Often have I been called a perfectionist and it’s true. Personally I prefer the terms diligent and quality-minded, since they are more positive. I have high standards and sometimes people don’t appreciate that. Efficiency and quality struggles to co-exist, but I keep trying to work out how it’s possibly. In secondary school my teacher told me I had to learn to say “pyt” which is best translated to “whatever”. Today I still haven’t found out whether this was a helpful tool for toggling personal challenges or self-destructive drug that made me deny and suppress my core values. Since I liked and respected this teacher a lot I did my best to use this word, but it was a never-ending struggle every time and I felt like I have to give up a little bit each time.
What are they even good for? If you have expectations they will be fulfilled if you are lucky and you will be satisfied. But no expectations bring the same good feeling or even bigger satisfaction if the same result becomes reality. The worst thing I know is disappointment. It hurts so bad, so deep in me. Often it is followed by guilt and frustration. Two emotions I do not know how to handle properly. It feats the flood that furiously tries to wash away my self-esteem. As it flush away big chunks the foundation my whole character builds on seems to be falling apart. Then I hide away from the world at becomes completely incompetent to do anything. The evil spirals continues when the guilt and frustration becomes worse because I blame my self for not getting better and carrying on. If I’m careful, strong and super lucky to supported by friends and family then I get stuck in that deep dark pit called depression. I’ve never been diagnosed, but I might have been close. My mum did offer to sent me to a psychologist, but I refused with words like “I need to fight my own problems”.
The solution seems to be simple. Get rid of expectations or at least lower and limit them. But if life what that simple it would have happened ages ago. Giving up on expectations seems to be like giving up standarts, giving up hope, giving up who I am. That is not something I want to happen. Giving up is cowardice and that does not exactly fit my dream of a true fighter mentality. I will never be able to save the world if I can’t even save myself. I know this is boringly mainstream and unrealistic, but it’s true. The world can be so cold and so cruel it makes me sick. I intent to at least give it a try. There must be something I can do to improve this world. I know I need to start small soI’ll follow MJ’s advise “If you wanna make the World a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change”. My journey has begun and I am not willing to go back or settle down here. I will keep going forever, because nothing will ever be quite perfect. There’s always something to improve. Honestly, I expect this journey to be hard, but worth it all the way.